How to improve your IELTS writing fast!
This is an IELTS Writing Task 2 essay written by an IELTS candidate in response to the question below. Some comments are included by an IELTS writing instructor to give some ideas of how it could be improved quite simply by changing a few words or phrases.
IELTS Writing Task 2 Sample Answer
It is true that young people are now concerning  about subjects that did not attracted  people´s  attention in the past. The reason could be that these  topics could not  represent relevant problems but now after the time has passed, they became  more important because of the alteration of the quality of life we have as a race is affected. The possible reasons for this awareness about world problems could be diverse but from my point of view young people are focusing in  the next two aspects. First one, there  is a need to create conscience using the protest methods  as the way young people have to show their position against the excessive abuses we commit to  our planet or our and move people around reflection.  It is very common to see successful young people, like famous music icons, artist or entrepreneurs, giving support to humanitarian organizations or being the symbol of environmental campaigns. A good example of that was what the TV show American Idol did with some artists and the contestants with the promotion and support of health and social programs in Africa and Asia. They made shows around USA to got funds and financed programs to combat child hunger, AIDS, etc.The second reason I choose for young people´s concerning the statuses of some worldwide situations in different aspects that are becoming untenable and extreme now than ever. Just look to the global protest against  economic crisis and banks in a lot of countries last year. The protagonists of these recurrent protests were young people putting their indignation in a clear and immobile position. The young people´s crusade of concerning  could be our last chance to correct our behavior and priorities and do something to stop this cycle of indifference we are involve  in.
 concerned OR concerning themselves
 attract [you already used ‘did’ to show past tense]
 young people’s [more specific]
 those [when referring to things in the past]
 maybe did not [possibility in the past]
 have become [over a period of time]
 this part is NOT clear or easy to understand for the reader.
 focusing on [when focus is a verb we normally say: focus on something/someone]
 The first reason
 against [commit abuse against something/someone]
 fellow humans
 this part is NOT clear or easy to understand for the reader
 this is NOT clear or coherent for the reader.
 this is an awkward choice of words, better to say: showing their solidarity and indignation
 of being concerned
 involved [adjective]
Download this IELTS Task 2 writing sample answer as a Word document with full comments included.
Good luck with your IELTS Writing test.